Hello, And Welcome To The Mental Health Hotline


If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

.----------------. If you are schizophrenic, listen
/ _H______H_ \@, carefully and a small voice will tell
\____/ \____/ @, you which number to press.
/ \ `@
| LI LI LI | ,@ If you are manic-depressive, it
| LI LI LI | ,@' doesn't matter which number you press,
| LI LI LI | ,@' no one will answer.
| LI LI LI |@@'
\ /' If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969.
`--------'
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key
until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's
maiden name.
/\
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and ||
carefully press 000. ||
||
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message ||
after the beep or before the beep. Or after ||
the beep. Please wait for the beep. _______||
/` `\
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and | .-"""-. |
what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace | / .:::. \ |
your call. | \ ':::' / |
| '-----' |
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call | .-"""""-. |
will be transferred to the mother ship. | |_______| |
| [_][_][_] |
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. | [_] [] [] |
All of our operators are too busy to | [1][2][3] |
talk to you. | [4][5][6] |
| [7][8][9] |
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. | [.][0][#] |
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. | ... |
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. \ ':::' /
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9... `"""""""""`